Real men don’t cry?

They are four simple and yet potentially damaging words. They remain embedded in our culture where the expression of emotions, we are implicitly or literally told, should be limited to women and children only. We may revolt against this, relish the thought that a man can feel and share emotions and yet….watch the response of others to a crying man. Many will squirm and shift in their seats, especially other men. They will probably look away or change the subject. Anything to avoid the felt weakness of others being experienced.

Why? What makes emotions the domain of everyone but men? We start this process young. In parks throughout the Island you can hear parents imploring toddlers, especially boys, to ‘be brave’, ‘stop crying’. One client of mine recalled being told by his mother that unless he stopped crying she would give him something to really cry about. These are lessons we learn young, ways of being that are reinforced through popular media.

Our first response to someone’s tears is to thrust a tissue into their hands, men and women. There is a practical aspect to this but there is also a part of us that wants the crying to stop. Tissues are a practical way of achieving that. ‘I see your tears, take this and wipe them away’. So perhaps our relationship with crying is just not a good one.

And yet what do our tears say? We are sad; want to be left alone; are reaching out for support and a true expression of how we are at a given time. Put that way crying sounds important. In Therapy sessions I have found crying to be both painful and positive, sometimes in equal measure. Perhaps we should allow tears to flow and just be with that person. And maybe we should start with our children. 

This article first appeared in Gallery Magazine.